By George Crawford
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8, NASB)
Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, "Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night. (Revelation 12:10, NASB)
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9, NASB)
In one of our Alzheimer’s support meetings, one of the regular attenders, a professional organizer of in-home care, made a statement that took most of us by surprise. She stated “Let’s face it. Most of what we are doing is driven by guilt!“ Clarifying her comment at a later meeting, she pointed out that some care recipients can induce guilt in an effort to keep some control in their lives, that she sees care recipient relatives acting out of guilt when there is no reason to do so, and also care recipient relatives ignoring guilt when they truly are at fault.
Her observation was quite insightful. When a relative is going through treatment for Alzheimer’s or Dementia,
relatives or friends can begin to feel guilt. But for that time to be productive, it is very important to determine when that sense of guilt is legitimate or unfounded and to know how to respond in either case. And knowing that Satan often makes unwarranted accusations against believers, it becomes crucial that we realize when guilt due to the treatment of an older relative or friend is proper. Where that guilt is legitimate, we respond in a Biblically appropriate manner. Where that guilt is Biblically unfounded, however, acting because of it will be unproductive at best and often detrimental to the proper functioning of a family.
In evaluating any sense of guilt, the first thing to remember is that the entirety of Scripture is our ultimate source of authority and therefore our only measure of the validity of that sense of guilt. Unless properly trained by the Scripture, and contrary to the saying “Let your conscience be your guide!”, even the conscience can both accuse us, or excuse us, without good cause. Going beyond Scripture as our guide can open the door to manipulation, or to pride and ego (I Cor. 4:6) and can lead to the violation of God’s design for the family as actually stated in Scripture. By way of example, in Mark 7:13, Jesus notes that the Pharisees were “invalidating”, or nullifying, the Word of God by following a tradition that allowed them to ignore parental need.
One of the first things that scripture tells us is that death, and all other injuries and illnesses, including Alzheimer’s and Dementia, are a result of the Fall (Genesis 3, Romans 8:20-23; I Cor. 15:21-22). As we all are sinners because of
the Fall, we may reasonably experience a certain sense of the reality of the consequences of sin when we encounter Alzheimer’s or Dementia, in the same manner as when we encounter someone suffering from cancer or other serious illness or injury. In some cases, that sense of the consequences of sin may actually awaken a legitimate sense of guilt and drive a man or woman to trust in Christ (Eccles. 7:2-3).
More often, however, the sense of guilt pertaining to the care of an individual will concern some specific action or conduct. Because of that, it becomes very important to consider specific teaching of Scripture on the subject.
The Scripture tells us both that children are to honor their parents (Eph. 6:1) and that we are to “provide” for those in our families, including elderly parents (I Tim. 5:8). Significantly, the word translated “provide”, “ pronoeo”, literally means to take prior thought concerning. Put another way, the requirement is administrative, in which the individual arranges for care to be provided, instead of necessarily giving the care herself. Where that arrangement has been made, guilt is not warranted or necessary.
Similarly, the Bible also indicates that the relationship between a husband and wife, or between a parent and young children, will have a certain priority over the relationship between adult children and their elderly parents (Gen. 2:24; Titus 2:4). There is no need for guilt
when a wife needs to meet the need(s) of her husband before the need(s) of her parents, or her adult children.
In contrast, where there has been no effort made, over a number of years, to honor parents or where adult children have refused to meet genuine need on the part of elderly parents, or have been deliberately ignorant of that need, a sense of guilt is legitimate and appropriate (Mark 7:9-12).
The Biblically appropriate response to legitimate guilt is, of course, confession of sin, acknowledging it as God sees it, and repentance from that sin (I John 1:9; II Cor. 7:9-12; Hosea 14:1-2; Psalm 51).
Returning to I Timothy 5:8, it is also important to noted that Scripture does not require that honor or provision for elderly relatives be implemented in the same way in all situations. The Scripture allows for — and would even require — a certain flexibility and latitude in determining how that honor and provision are to be best implemented in particular situations.
In one family, inquiry may determine that the elderly parent has adequate financial income to be self-supporting, is able to independently acquire his or her own groceries and can live independently. In another family, (or at a later time in the same family) while the parent has adequate resources, the adult child may need to independently provide for, or to shop with, or for, the elderly parent who regularly neglects to purchase, prepare or consume necessary food, vitamins or medication. Alternatively, that need may also be met by occasionally
arranging for another capable and responsible adult to shop with or for the elderly parent.
In one family, provision for the elderly parent or relative may be best accomplished by having him or her move in and live in the family home, or in adjacent “grandparent” quarters, on a long-term basis. Doing so in other families, however, may lead to disaster. Where the elderly relative needs specialized medical care or constant supervision at a level beyond what the family can provide in their own home, where the elderly relative requires so much care that the individual will be unable to meet priority responsibilities to spouse and/or children with the elderly relative living in the family home, or where the elderly relative’s lifestyle is ungodly or unruly for whatever reason, provision may be best provided with the elderly relative residing at a location other than the family home.
So long as the individual attempts, in reasonable good faith, to arrange for the provision of care and honor, guilt is not warranted or necessarily legitimate if that provision occurs with the parent living elsewhere than in the family home. And, as noted above, an attempt to avoid an unwarranted sense of “guilt”, by moving an elderly relative into the family home, may in fact lead to a valid and legitimate sense of guilt by preventing a husband or wife from meeting Biblical priorities in his or her relationship with spouse or children.
As noted above, an adult child or caregiver may occasionally encounter subtle, (and sometimes not so
subtle), manipulation from the elderly parent or care recipient. The caregiver should respond gently and with grace, and humor where appropriate, affirming the care recipient as needed. However, the adult child or caregiver must always remember that the Scripture, carefully understood, is the sole standard by which any sense of guilt should be assessed.
Finally, we want to encourage our people caring for someone with Alzheimer’s or Dementia to not be motivated primarily, if at all, by guilt! To the contrary, and difficult as it may be, we would encourage our people to be motivated by love for Christ, by a desire to obey His Word and by a genuine love for the care recipient (Matthew 22:35-40). That love will realize that individual needs may not fit well with the caregiver’s agenda or schedule. Love will remember that the human weakness of the care recipient is only a temporary stage and will concentrate on the heavenly and the eternal (Col. 3:2). When the focus is on that love, however, guilt as a motivating factor will diminish.